Bitter Sweet

This has been a long time coming... I have been waiting, longing to hear something since long before December 27th came around last year. I remember laying on the surgery table in OR waiting in anticipation for it and listening ever so closely for it. Knowing in that moment something wasn't quite right when that sound was missing. My heart rate literally dropped. The nurse had to give me something to keep from passing out. As my husband kept giving me the thumbs up, that lingering fear grow louder as the sound of my baby cry grew silent. I have spent many nights wondering if I would ever hear Sophia cry. Her silences began to speak volumes. Her expressions and silent cry were almost deafening. Heartbreaking. I became to except there would be no sounds. I became to take joy in her many facial expressions. I began picking up on every little sound and hum and ding and beep of her alarms and vent and monitors. Those sounds became Sophia's cry. Those sounds became comforting. August, 17th 2012, almost 8 months after Sophia was born I received a bitter sweet gift. I had just left my house to head to the grocery store when I received a text from my nurse reading I have a sweet video to show you that involves precious little sounds. Instant tears streamed down my face at the grocery. A nervous excitement in my gut. A bitter sweet mix of emotions that it happened and it happened when I wasn't home. I have been longing, NEEDING to hear her cry to know that her voice was inside her. I rushed home. Thank GOD for video cameras...for it allowed me to rejoice in the splendid few seconds my daughter cried a sweet sweet cry. Tears of joy, of shock, of hope, of pride and of awe ran down my face. It seemed like a different baby. To watch on a video a baby cry that I have rocked and loved since birth in a blissful silence, CRY. Her tiny little cry could move mountains. It moved this mommy. It moved her whole family to tears. For 8 months, I dreamed of a day that my baby may speak or cry. 8 months may seem like forever, but to know now that I won't be waiting forever is a miracle. Sophia cried. Sophia found her voice. I have yet to hear her cry in person and she has yet to cry again but I know and the world knows that Sophia Kay Rhodes has a voice and she will let the world know it someday. Until the day I can hear that sweet sound again, I will cherish that 13 second video, that gift... for life.